The Adventures of Butler Bob and Billy
by PBnSpots
Summary: Let's all agree not to let 4-Kids get their hands on Kuroshitsuji...
1. Episode 1

Author's Note: This is basically my idea of what 4-Kids entertainment would do to Kuroshitsuji if they got a license to dub it. This is the script for the first episode with all edits and plot abominations in-tact. I own nothing.

-XXX-

Narrator: This inspiring tale takes place in America a long, long time ago. Or, at least, that's where we're going to pretend it takes place. It is just another sunny day for Billy McFriendship and his butler, Butler Bob.

Bob (Sebastian): (as he's opening the curtains) Well, Billy, it looks like it's just another sunny day in the McFriendship manor.

Billy (Ciel): (sits up and rubs eyes) Indeed it is, Butler Bob.

Bob: What would you like for breakfast? I have already made you some type of children's drink that is not tea because tea would be too British to be mentioned by an American voice-over company, but I neglected to make the rest of your pure, all-american breakfast.

Narrator: Remember, parents, child neglect is a no-no.

Billy: Scones

Bob: (leaning down and whispering in ear) It has to be American, remember? Here. (hands list) I made a menu of 4-kids-approved breakfast choices.

Billy: (looking list over) I want…umm…that one pastry that looks like a scone. That way they don't have to edit the animation.

Bob: Good choice, Billy! (gives food and starts to leave)

(Billy throws a ball at Butler Bob which Butler Bob catches without turning around)

Bob: You really shouldn't play with balls in the house, Billy.

Billy: Okay, Butler Bob.

Narrator: The McFriendship manor is expecting a visitor soon, so Butler Bob helps clean the house with his servant friends, Monica the Maid, Greg the Gardener, and Clay the Cook.

Bob: Let's all work together to get this house clean! Using friendship and teamwork, we'll get this done in no time!

All: Yay!

Narrator: Soon, the entire house is sparkling and just in time, because the visitor is pulling into the entryway now. The guest is a friend of Billy's parents who are on a very, very long business trip. His name is Joe.

Bob: Welcome, Joe! We've been expecting you!

Billy: Will you play a game with me?

Joe: Well sure I will, Billy, you little scamp!

(Billy and Joe go to the game room to play Billy's favorite game, Candy Land)

Joe: This game is an awful lot of fun! Even when I get stuck on the little dots, I keep a positive attitude about the game and still enjoy myself!

Billy: Oh no! I got stuck in a swamp! It's your turn.

Joe: Oh, alright then, Billy! (takes turn)

Narrator: By the time they are finished with their game, it is time for dinner.

Bob: It is time for dinner.

Narrator: The two go down to the dining room to eat their completely non-Japanese dinner.

Monica: Would you like some grape juice?

Joe: Yes, please.

Narrator: Monica then proceeds to pour the grape juice in Joe's cup perfectly because maids are normally not incompetent and it would be wrong to portray them as such. In addition, if the grape juice were to spill, it would create a terrible mess which should not be encouraged and neither should the method of cleaning it up that involves pulling a tablecloth off of a table.

Bob: (after dinner is over) I'm sorry, but it's getting late. I hate to ask you to leave, but Billy needs to go to bed. It's important for children to get a good night's sleep.

Joe: Oh, alright then. I wouldn't want to disrupt his schedule. I'll leave. (leaves)

Billy: I had a lot of fun today, Butler Bob! Let's have even more fun tomorrow!

Bob: Okay. But first, you need to get some sleep.

Billy: Okay. Goodnight, Butler Bob! (goes to bed)

**End of Episode 1**


	2. Episode 2

**AN:** This is the next installment of The Adventures of Butler Bob and Billy. Thank you so much for reading and to those of you who reviewed!

-XXX-

Narrator: Episode 2 had been cut due to an overwhelming amount of graphic content.

4kids Director 1: Wait, wait, wait! We can just edit the crap out of this like we always do! It's not that difficult! For example, instead of Ciel…I mean…Billy playing pool, we could edit in…an aerobics table? Exercise is a good thing' right?

4kids Director 2: Well what about that Lau guy? For one thing, his clothes are completely un-American and for another thing, he has a…a…a… (whispers) a girl! On his lap!

(both shudder at the thought of such an atrocity)

4k1: Just edit out the girl and replace her with a teddy bear or something. Kids love teddy bears.

4k2: Oh yeah! Wow! You're a genius!

4k1: I know.

4k2: But what about all the smoking?

4k1: Edit out the cigars.

4k2: The guns?

4k1: Make them invisible.

4k2: The whole fight scene with the knives forks, silver trays, and blood?

4k1: Gone!

4k2: Sebastian's glowy demon eyes?

4k1: Deleted!

4k2: Ciel in kinky bondage material?

4k1: Out!

4k2: Ciel's aunt rubbing Sebastian's butt?

4k1: Bye bye!

4k2: The scar on the bad guy's face?

4k1: Ever heard of concealer?

4k2: Sebastian spitting up bullets?

4k1: Eliminated!

4k2: The tea-drinking?

4k1: Cut!

4k2: ...You do realize that by the end of all this editing we're looking at an episode that's about 30 seconds long, right?

4k1: (very long pause before turning to narrator) Okay, fine. You can say it now.

Narrator: Episode 2 has been cut due to an overwhelming amount of graphic content.

**End of episode 2**


	3. Episode 3

Elle (Grell): Aaaaaaaaah! (zooming down hallway on dessert cart and crashing in next room)

Bob: (helping her up) Are you alright, Elle? I hope you aren't hurt. That would be just dreadful.

Elle: What kindness, Butler Bob! Thank you for your assistance.

Billy: I'm glad you're okay! I would be sad if you had gotten hurt, especially since today, .my cousin, who is blood relation to me and because of that is absolutely not my entended because that would be incest and far too inappropriate for a children's show, is coming for a visit!

Bob: Speaking of which, we should go into town and get her a present. It's polite to give family presents when they come to visit.

Billy: Okay! (gets up from table)

Narrator: Butler Bob and Billy go into town and buy his not-betrothed-to-him cousin a welcoming gift and along the way, they pick up a cane for Billy.

Cane Seller: Why does such a young boy need a cane? He doesn't seem hurt at all…

Bob: It's better to be safe than sorry. If we have a cane now, we'll be prepared if Billy ever does get hurt.

Cane Seller: Wow! What a great idea!

Bob: Thank you for the complement. (pays the cane seller with exact change and does not do anything even remotely threatening like whipping the cane out right in the man's face)

Narrator: The pair head back to the McFriendship manor and it seems that Billy's cousin has arrived a bit early and left the mansion exactly as it was before.

Callie (Lizzie): Billy! (runs and hugs) I've missed you! And by the way, I definitely don't want to get married. Let's have a party, okay? That would e so much fun! (giggles) Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Billy: My parents are away on a business trip. Wouldn't throwing a party be bad? It's against the rules!

Bob: You parents said I could give permission for things like that since I'm an adult. Which raises the question of why I tend to make so many seemingly sexual advances toward you that have to be edited out…

Callie: So we can have a party! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Billy: Thanks, Butler Bob! But I have to finish my homework before I do other things. Schoolwork is important!

Narrator: Remember, kids! Stay in school!

Callie: Okay, Billy!I'll read a book until then because books open up doors to new worlds. Yay!

Narrator: Billy goes to his studying room and finishes his homework! He's all ready for the party, but now he feels self-conscious because he has just realized that he never learned how to dance!

Billy: I just realized I never learned how to dance! Can you teach me, Butler Bob?

Bob: Why don't you try first?

Billy: Okay, Butler Bob. (dances well)

Bob: See?You could do it all along! You just needed to believe in the heart of the cards!

(pause; Bob standing and looking around awkwardly, wondering why the show isn't continuing)

Billy: (finally whispers) That's the wrong show..

Bob: Oh! Of course! What I meant to say was :You just needed to believe in yourself!

Narrator: Billy goes downstairs and has a perty with his cousin. There are no mishaps or arguments and there is definitely no throwing of rings out of windows ecause illy is a boy and therefore wasn't wearing a ring in the first place! The party ends at seven o'clock and Callie goes home because it is wrong for girls to stay overnight at boys' houses. Billy goes to bed.

Bob: Are you sure you're alright by yourself, Billy?

Billy: Yes. I am not scared of anything right now because ghosts and demons aren't real and I have suffered through no tramatic experiences that might trigger feeling of fear.

Bob: Okay then. Goodnight, Billy.

Billy: Goodnight, Butler Bob.

**End of Episode 3**


	4. Episode 4

**AN:** Sorry this one took so long to get up. Hope you guys enjoy! Episode 5 may also take a while to get up. I've been super busy…

-XXX-

Billy: (in carriage looking at letter; thinking to self) Uh-oh… This looks like bad news from the principal…

(carriage pulls up to house)

Billy: I am excited to be at this house to visit my aunt and my cousin, Lily, who looks exactly like me only is a girl!

Bob: I am also excited to see my cousin who looks exactly like me only is a tutor!

(enter room where Bill's aunt and a stranger wearing jeans, a tee-shirt, and a backwards baseball cap are standing)

Billy: (shouting) Hello, dear aunt how very god to see you! Might I inquire as to who this gentleman over here is! I have never seen him before but am very interested in becoming acquainted with him!

Mr. Definitely American (Lau): My name is Mr. Definitely American. I was born in America and raised in America and have no origins in any other country whatsoever. Nihao- I mean, nice to meet you.

Narrator: Billy discusses the letter he received with his aunt and Mr. Definitely American and wonders what to do about its contents.

Billy: I wonder what to do about its contents.

Lady Crimson (Madam Red): Perhaps you should open it

Billy: (opens letter and reads aloud) Dear Billy McFriendship. There is a bully at school who is very mean to other students. As a member of the School Watch Dog Committee, I am asking you to please take care of the situation. Signed, The Principal.

Lady Crimson: That seems like quite a challenge! Can you handle it?

Billy: I can! After all, I was once bullied for a month so I won't let it happen to anyone else!

Lady Crimson and Bob: We'll help!

Mr. Definitely American: Me too!

All in Unison: Teamwork!

(a few hours later in town)

Deryl (Aberlein): What are you doing here youngster? There are bullies around here!

Billy: I'm searching for a mean old bully so I figured this was a good place to look!

Deryl: What a coincidence! I'm also looking for a bully from your school that definitely exists and that I know the name of! Even though I should probably be spending my time looking for real criminals that I'm not allowed to mention because they do things that children can't hear about like cutting out the uteruses of young prostitutes!

Billy: That's great! The more people who help, the better! Thanks for your help, Detective Deryl!

Deryl: Good luck, Billy! I certainly am glad we exchanged names and therefore know what to call each other as opposed to just randomly knowing them later in the show and hoping the viewers don't catch on!

Narrator: Unable to find the right bully, Billy gets an idea to go visit a former bully who might be able to give them information on the one they are searching for.

(arrive at building that is happy and perky-looking with a sign on the front that says "Clothing Mender")

Bob: So this is the place, huh?

Billy: Yep! (enters building which has clothes everywhere and a mannequin labels "Betty" in the corner. There are absolutely no cobwebs or dark area and definitely no coffins.)

Clothing Mender (Undertaker): Hello, young McFriendship child. What information do you seek?

Billy: Well, you're an ex-bully, so I figured you might be able to help me with my current case!

Clothing Mender: Of course! And as always, my information is free. The bully you are searching for has a nasty habit. He goes around to little girls and steals what's important… (puts hand near Billy's waistline) …Their lunch money. Their pockets… He rips them open, he does and the victims come to me and I patch them up and make them pretty.. Good as new! (laugh) To catch him, you should probably go to a party. That is the best way for one to catch a bully.

(at party)

Lily (Cross-dressing Ciel): Billy is counting on us to question the host of this party who is maybe the bully's dad but probably isn't since we just chose a party at random and have no real reason for being here. Also, I'm a girl. A real girl. The kind of girl that is female and not a boy in a dress.

Tutor Troy (Sebastian): Alright, Lily! (finds host) Look! There he is! Go!

Lily: (walks over to host) Hello! I'm looking for a bully. Is it your son or daughter?

Host(Viscount): Nope.

Lily: Okay.

Narrator: Lily gets tired and goes to sleep in another room of her own volition and is not drugged or caged afterward. She has a dream.

(screen remains completely black)

Lily: (in monotone) _Ow. The corset hurts._

(back to reality and Billy's house)

Billy: It's sad that Lily wasn't able to find the bully. But I won't give up!

Bob: That's the spirit, Billy! We'll keep working toward our goal!

**End of Episode 4**


	5. Episode 5

**AN: **So I'm finally updating! I always plan to update super fast but stuff always pops up and ruins my plans. This time it was finals and review for finals and outline writing for finals and speaking practice for finals. But finals are over tomorrow so I'll be free! Yay! Anyway, here's episode 5!

-XXX-

Billy: Thanks for playing a game of chess with me. Following the rules made it even funner!

Lady Crimson: Yeah. Anyway, you should think about quitting that school watchdog committee thing so that you don't eventually come to the conclusion that I, the cafeteria lady, am actually behind the lunch money stealing.

Billy: What?

Lady Crimson: I mean, so that you can focus more on your schoolwork instead of running around looking for bullies.

Billy: But don't you see? I'm doing this for other people because I'm such a selfless person! I just want the world to be a better place!

Narrator: Later that night, Billy decides to discuss the suspects of the bullying case with Bob.

Bob: You know... (looking through papers) These lunch money incidents happen quite frequently. So frequently, in fact, that perhaps it's not a child who is responsible.

Billy: What are you implying? What are you trying to tell me? What on Earth could you possibly mean by that!

Bob: Just that- (throws papers over shoulder) Oh dear. I've dropped the papers. I should pick them up without answering your question and just let the viewers make of our conversation what they will.

Billy: Okay. Just so long as the papers get picked up. That's what's important.

Narrator: The next night, Butler Bob and Billy wait outside the back door to the school kitchen. They had recieved tips that the next bully victim would be there.

Lady Crimson: (walking through the door) Yes! Now I have even more lunch money! Haha!

Billy: So it was you! I didn't want to believe it, but here's the proof right in front of me! (really dramatic music starts playing) You're the bully!

Elle: Me too! See? I have a dollar! (holds out dollar)

Billy: But why? Why did you do it?

Elle: I did it because I'm the generic 4kids antagonist. I have no motives. I'm just evil. And now I'm going to kill your aunt! I mean, send her soul to the shadow realm! I mean...umm...uh...umm...I'm gonna...do whatever it is we do on this show to explain why characters wont be showing up in any later episodes! (evil laugh)

Billy: (ignoring Elle) Why did you do it? You're my aunt! Why!

Lady Crimson: You could never understand what it's like. All these kids walk around with their lunch money and talk about how they don't have to pay for their own lunches! Then they throw some of their food away without even eating it! When I was a little girl I had to pay for my own lunch every day! They're all taking their food for granted and I had to be the one to teach them what would happen if they had no money to buy their lunch with! So I cut a hole in their pockets and ripped out their lunch money.

Elle: And I helped! And now I'm going to-

Billy: But stealing is wrong! You shouldn't steal things from people!

Elle: Now I'm going to-

Lady Crimson: I know. I'm sorry.

Elle: Now I'm-

Billy: It's okay. Just return the money.

Elle: I'm doin' it now! (does whatever they do on this show to explain why characters don't show up in later episodes)

Billy: Noooooooo! You're evil!

Bob: Not to worry, Billy. I'm sure I can solve this problem civilly and without any violence. Just leave it to me.

Narrator: Will Bob resolve this conflict through peaceful means? Is Lady Crimson really gone forever? Probably! Because we're pretty predictable!

**End of Episode 5**


	6. Episode 6

**AN:** I am so sorry, you guys! I thought I would have more time over Winter break but I had less! But I am most definitely not giving up on this story. I'm still writing it, however slowly. Maybe after February I'll have more time…? I have a competition then so I'm still busy. It never ends! . Anyway, here's Episode 6. Finally.

-XXX-

Bob: Elle, I know that you said before that you're just evil and you have no motives, but that can't be true! One must have a motive in order to commit an act as ghastly as this! Perhaps if we discuss the reason why you stole lunch money we can resolve the issue just as we did with Lady Crimson who decided to become a nun in a non-religious church that has no affiliations with any actual religion since 4-kids doesn't approve of them to atone for what she did!

Elle: No she didn't! I ki—

Bob: (very insistent) _She became a nun._

Elle: She did not! I know she didn't because I ki—

Bob: (talking over Elle) She felt so guilty for what she had done that she became a nun to atone for it!

(pause)

Elle: Well whatever. But I'm different from her! I'm evil! I did it for the fun of it! Hahahahaha!

Bob: Tell me your motive, gosh darn it or I will stop being polite and I will raise my voice to you!

Elle: Okay! Geez. I'll tell you. I've been trying to save up money for a sex change operation.

Bob: Ah, yes, a sex change opera—Wait, what?

Elle: Even in my youngest years I knew I was different from the other children.

Bob: Wait! Hold on! Stop right there!

Elle: You see, ever since I was a little girl, I've always loved playing Cowboys and Indians.

Bob: You can't talk about that kind of thing on this show! Stop talking!

Elle: I didn't like wearing dresses like the other girls, and instead of playing with my mother's make-up, I preferred to play in the mud.

Bob: I don't care if you are evil! This is way too inappropriate! (pulls out script and starts flipping through the pages) Are these lines even in here?

Elle: That's right! Since I was young, I've wanted to become a boy! That's why I was stealing lunch money! It was to save up for the operation that would make me look on the outside how I felt on the inside!

Bob: Seriously! Somebody cut the scene! Stop filming or recording or animating or whatever! Kids! Cover your ears! Turn your faces away!

Elle: And I'm going to continue stealing money for my operation and there's nothing you can do about it!

(Bob leaps forward to cover Elle's mouth with his hand but another hand stops him)

Phil (Will): There will be no need for that, sir. My name is Phillip D. Censor. (pushes up glasses) And it is my job to make sure that this character does not do anything inappropriate. I apologize for not doing a satisfactory job. I was busy saying the Pledge of Allegiance. However, I am now here to remove this character from the show.

Bob: Oh all right then! Thank you for your help! I'm sure in the future we'll be the best of friends. After all, we seem to share many of the same ideals.

Phil: I certainly hope that is the case. But for now I will escort Ms. Elle from the show so that you can continue with the actual script. (leaves with Elle)

Bob: (walks over to Billy) Well, it looks like the bully case has finally been solved.

Billy: Thanks for your help, Butler Bob! You were great!

Bob: Shall we return home? It is already 7PM. It's way past your bedtime.

Billy: Yes, let's return and hope that tomorrow will be a great day!

Narrator: That next day, Billy went to visit his aunt at the church. She told him that she planned to stay there in isolation forever to atone for her wrongdoings and would never be seen again. With this experience behind him, Billy McFriendship can take on new and greater challenges and prove once and for all that good always wins over evil. So remember kids, girls are girls and boys are boys. If you feel any differently, seek professional psychological help right away.

End of Episode 6


	7. Episode 7

**AN:** This one was a stickler… Sorry it took so long. And be prepared for many more apologies for similar reasons. I'm crazy busy right now so it's really interfering with my writing. I hope I can clear my schedule by March though. And my team got 3rd place in the Japanese competion I entered, so yay!

-XXX-

Billy: (in carriage) This ride is very peaceful, isn't it, Butler Bob?

Bob: I agree. The passengers are properly restraining themselves and are in no way even the slightest bit annoying. After all, when one takes a long trip, it's important to be quiet so the driver can concentrate. Making noises can be very distracting and cause the car to crash.

Billy: Carriage.

Bob: And cause the carriage to crash.

Narrator: Looks like Billy McFriendship is out on another mission for the que—school principal. This time he is joined by his servants Monica, Greg, and Clay. They all go over to the neighborhood across the street from Billy's but when they arrive they are greeted by a terrible sight. At the entrance to the neighborhood there is a tree, the base of which is covered in balls of yarn, toy mice, and hairballs.

Monica: Oh no! Who could have done such a thing! The things on this tree are probably covered in germs!

Billy: Yes… And this could be the first clue we can use to solve this baffling mystery!

Greg: There's a mystery?

(flashback)

Billy: (in study room) Butler Bob! The school principal sent mea letter saying that a lot of people from the neighborhood across the street have been absent from school! I must get to the bottom of this!

(end flashback)

Greg: That explains it.

Bob: (looking at tree with disgust)

Billy: Are you concerned about the germs too, Butler Bob?

Bob: No. It's just that I… I hate cats. They walk around so arrogantly and never do as they're told. They're terrible examples of proper behavior! I just can't stand it!

Billy: I see. Well I like cats personally but I won't judge you because even though we disagree about this, we should still be civil and not argue. Or make noises to imitate the animal you don't like. That would just be rude.

Narrator: The group continues on their way until they arrive at the residence of the president of the neighborhood association where they are welcomed by his housekeeper, Annie.

Annie (Angela): Welcome to Tabbysworth. Do come in and have a seat. The president will be in soon.

Culprit O'Wrongdoer (Henry Barrymore): Welcome, Billy McFriendship! I'm glad you arrived here safely. And thank you, Annie for being such an extremely competent housekeeper and bringing in the correct people!

Billy: Mr. O'Wrongdoer, I've heard that a lot of students in this neighborhood have been missing a lot of school. Do you know why?

Culprit O'Wrongdoer: Nope.

Billy: Okay. We'll just have to find out some other way. Thank you for your help.

Narrator: Billy gathers information from several different people in the neighborhood and finally has enough clues to solve this case.

Billy: I know what's going on but I don't know who's causing it!

Bob: Causing what?

Billy: It!

Bob: What's 'it?'

Billy: You know! _It!_ The thing that's wrong that we have to fix but s never really thoroughly explained!

Bob: Right. That.

Billy: No, it.

Bob: Anyway, we should probably try to find out who is behind this.

Billy: You mean who's behind _it_.

Narrator: Billy fishes for more information and eventually discovers that all of the children were sick. But from what? And who caused it? Who is behind it!

Greg: Maybe it's Skape Gote!

Billy: No. I know who it is. I've finally figured it out.

(the next day)

Billy: Mr. Culprit O'Wrongdoer! You are the one behind it! But why?

Culprit O'Wrongdoer: I have no motive. I'm just a generic 4kids villia—

Bob: We are not doing this again! Tell us the reason!

Culprit O'Wrongdoer: It's because I wanted to not only be the president of the neighborhood association, but the president of the PTA up at the school as well! But they told me that since I wasn't a parent and wasn't even related to any students there that I couldn't even be a member! So to get my revenge I put germ-covered cat toys all over the neighborhood so that the children couldn't be able to go to school either!

Billy: But that's wrong!

Culprit O'Wrongdoer: I know. I'm sorry.

Narrator: And so, Culprit O'Wrongdoer was scolded and told never to do it again or else. The case was finally closed. Or was it? Tune in next time to find out!

**End of Episode 7**


	8. Theme Song

**AN:** Hey sorry it always takes so long. . I'm working on Episode 8 I swear but I've been super sick and busy and the like. I'm just full of excuses. I did manage to come up with this little ditty though. I'd been wanting to write a theme song for the show for a while but didn't have any ideas until like two days ago so here is the fruit of my drugged up on dayquil imagination.

-XXX-

The Adventures of Butler Bob and Billy Theme Song

(sung to the tune of the pokemon song)

Billy: I wanna be the nicest kid

Like no one ever was.

Bob: I wanna be a great butler

Who teaches right from wrong

Billy: I will travel across the street

After looking left and right

To solve every mystery

And every minor crime

Chorus: Butler Bob!

Bob: Oh I believe

I'll be the best I can be

Chorus: Butler Bob!

Billy: You're my best friend

In a school we must defend.

Chorus: Butler Bob!

Billy: Oh, stopping bad guys!

Our only limit's the sky!

I will follow all school rules

And enforce them!

Gotta follow 'em all!

Gotta follow 'em all!

Chorus: Butler Bob!

…And Billy.


	9. Episode 8

**AN:** Finally! I rewrote this thing like ten billion times. Hopefully it lives up to the expectations you guys had for it after making you wait so long! If not then I'm sorry. I tried my best. ^_^

-XXX-

Billy: I'm so glad we're finished in this neighborhood and all of the troublemakers have promised to stop and we can go home to do homework and never again have to worry about anything bad happening here again because since this case is definitely closed, the neighborhood of Tabbysworth is completely safe!

Bob: Yes, it certainly is closed. There's nothing left here for us to do.

Monica: What about—

Bob: Yes, it certainly is closed. There's nothing left here for us to do.

Monica: But—

Bob: Yes, it certainly—

Billy: Butler Bob, it's rude to interrupt. You should let Monica finish.

Bob: I'm sorry, Monica. I was just so sure of myself that I forgot to let you finish.

Monica: It's alright, Butler Bob. I'll forgive you because we're friends and friends forgive each other.

Both: (in unison) Yay friendship!

Monica: Anyway, what about that very suspicious trail of yarn? (points to a trail of yarn leading into a forest that apparently surrounds the neighborhood) We should follow it in case it means something important.

Billy: Yes! This trail of yarn that looks just like all the rest of the yarn that has been badly edited in must be a sign that we still have work to do in the forest surrounding Tabbysworth!

Narrator: And so, after discovering the body of Henry Barrymore, Ciel rudely orders Sebastian to find out what is going o—

4kids Director: You've got the wrong script! Stop!

Narrator: It's rude to interrupt, Mr. Director.

4kids Director: Oh, yes, I apologize. Anyway, here's the right script.

(papers shuffle)

Narrator: And so, after discovering the trail of yarn leading into the woods, Billy politely asks Butler Bob to assist him in concluding their very important mission.

Bob: Let us all go discover the truth behind the mystery of Tabbysworth! (all walk into woods)

Billy: (looking around at a strange sight on the ground; there are all kinds of assorted cat toys protruding from the ground) Oh my. I'm beginning to think that the culprit behind this isn't human! Perhaps it's even…a cat!

Bob: My, my. Whatever gave you that idea?

Billy: (flatly) The fact that everything about this neighborhood has to do with cats.

Bob: Yes, that's true. I do find it strange that in this version of the show we're figuring out the answer faster than in the original.

Narrator: And so, having discovered that the culprit was not human, the young earl and his butler set off through the forest, passing random body parts along the way until the come across a naked man who is sniffing an arm that has been detached from it's body.

4kids Director: No! You've got the wrong script again! That's the Funimation script! Stop reading the wrong script and start reading the right script! That's the script that was meant for this show! So take this script (hands script) and read the script right! I'll not have this show's script riddled with unscripted vulgarities that were never meant to be in the script!

Narrator: Why is the Funimation script even in the recording studio! If you give me the wrong script, then of course I'm not going to read the right script!

4kids Director: Never mind that! You're taking too long. We have other shows to butcher here and we haven't got all day to do it!

Narrator. (grabs the correct script) Fine. (clears throat) And so, they search for a cat and find it. (looooooong pause) That's it. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I need some action! Some blood! Some foul language! Something, _anything_ besides this crap you call entertainment! I quit!

4kids Director: If you leave now we won't pay you for the episodes you've already dubbed!

Narrator: You know what, Director, F*** you! (leaves)

4kids Director: (faints and begins foaming at the mouth, unable to process such inappropriate language)

Omnipotent Voice: And so, they look for a cat and find it.

Billy: Oh look. It's a cat.

Annie: (appears out of nowhere and with no explanation) Yes, it's my cat. I'm sorry it's been making everybody sick. Would you mind taking care of it from now on?

Bob: I'm afraid I don't approve of cats.

Billy: Please, Butler Bob? (puppy-dog eyes)

Bob: (entranced by eyes that look so incredibly similar to those of his favorite animal) Alright. We'll take care of the cat for you.

Annie: Thank you ever so much! (smiles evil smile)

(ominous music plays)

Omnipotent Voice: Looks like this case is wrapped up for real this time! And though this mystery has been solved, many others await young Billy McFriendship and his new feline friend. Tune in next time to The Adventures on Butler Bob and Billy!

**End of Episode 8**


	10. Episode 9

**AN:** Finals are approaching fast, y'all! I figured I should get at least one more chapter in before I start my non-stop studying. So I buckled down and finally wrote out episode nine. Hope you all like it!

XXX

(open in Billy's study room)

Billy: (talking with Monica, Greg, and Clay) I wanted to ask you a favor. You see, Butler Bob's birthday is coming up and I want to throw him a surprise party but I can't seem to keep him from finding out! Do you think you could take this camera and try to take a picture of him? It's a special magic camera that shows what type of party the person in the picture wants. Once we have this picture of him, we can throw him the best surprise party ever!

Greg: Wow! That's an amazing camera!

Monica: I'll help, Billy! Butler Bob is always so sexy—er—nice! I just _have_ to have a picture of him! (pause) For the party, of course!

Billy: Thank you, everyone! I just know we'll be able to throw him the best [arty in the world! Just don't let him see you take the picture.

Omnipotent Voice: Well it looks like Billy's gotten himself into another pickle! How can he get a picture of Butler Bob without him finding out? Is it even possible?

Narrator: Of course it's possible! He's not even a demon in this show! He doesn't have any special powers! He can't see everything! He can't move at hundreds of miles per hour! He's just a butler! What the hell is challenging about that?

Omnipotent Voice: Umm…why are you here?

Narrator: I came to get my check!

Omnipotent Voice: But you're not getting a check.

Narrator: (sing-song voice) That's not what the court said~!

Billy: (clears throat) Umm… Could we get back to the show now?

Omnipotent Voice: Yes, right. So yeah. Billy is gonna take a picture and throw a party.

(later that day)

Monica: Let's try the library first. He loves education so maybe he'll be in there!

Greg: Yeah! I can't wait to see what kind of party he wants!

(both peek in and see the Bob is, in fact, in the library shelving books…sexily)

Greg: Now's our chance! (pulls out camera) Let's do it!

Monica: Umm… I'll be right back… (holding hand over her nose)

Greg: Oh no! Your nose is bleeding! Are you all right?

Monica: (runs to go clean her face off)

Greg: Well, looks like this plan has been foiled. I can't take a picture all by myself. Photography is a job meant to be done with friends!

Omnipotent Voice: Poor Greg. Looks like he, Monica, and Clay will just have to try again. But their caring hearts will surely pull them through!

(switch to Billy's study room where he has a war map laid out with little figurines on it)

Billy: So they didn't get his picture in the library, huh? Well it's a god thing I have this war map to plan out my next course of action. Because I definitely wouldn't be using a doll house since I'm a boy. (sighs and shrugs) Maybe they'll succeed next time.

(switch back to the servants; it is heavily implied that they have tried a number of different ways to get Bob's picture, all of which have failed)

Monica: Another plan failed… We'll never be able to get that picture…

Greg: (pats her back) Sure we will! I know it!

Bob: (enters) Monica! Greg! Clay! I need your help. Do you think you could do me a favor?

Monica: Sure!

Bob: Well, the cat from Tabbysworth won't speak English. I've tried everything I can think of to get her to say "meow," but she keeps on saying "nya." And I named her Zoey but she only responds to Ichigo!

Zoey (Pluto): Nya!

Monica: I'll help you, Butler Bob! I'm good at teaching English to cats! I do it all the time!

Bob: Thanks you! (leaves)

Omnipotent Voice: With another job to do, the group decides to go back to Billy's study room and discuss their next picture-taking strategy when they hear a knock on the study door)

Mr. Definitely American (Lau): Excuse me, may I come in?

Billy: Of course!

Mr. Definitely American: (enters) I am completely informed about your plans to throw your butler a birthday party and would love to help, but unfortunately my plan involves things that should never be seen by anyone under the age of 40. Thank you for your time and goodbye. (leaves)

Billy: Oh no. I'll have to resort to my last resort! It will be dangerous but it's worth it if Butler Bob can have an awesome birthday party.

Omnipotent Voice: Meanwhile, Bob is taking a break on the front steps of the McFriendship Manor. He has just encountered a stray dog.

Bob: Oh what a lovely obedient dog you are! I shall call you Pluto! Sit!

(Pluto sits)

Bob: Lie down!

(Pluto lies down)

Bob: What amazing creatures dogs are! They listen to directions and speak English!

Pluto: Woof!

Zoey: Nya! (chases Pluto away)

Bob: Something always interrupts…

Omnipotent Voice: Meanwhile, Billy goes out to the kitchen and prepares to break a rule so horrible that Butler Bob will sense he is in danger and come rushing to stop him before he taints his conscience permanently.

Greg: Are you sure about this? (worried)

Billy: Yes. Give me the cake.

Greg: Okay… (gives cake)

Billy: (takes a deep breath) Here goes nothing. (turns on the oven and starts to put the cake in)

Bob: (runs in) No! You're too young to use the oven without an adult present! (closes oven)

Monica: Now's my chance! (takes a picture of Bob)

Omnipotent Voice: Now that they have a picture of Butler Bob, the group puts together a great party and throws it. But this is not the end of their problems. Will Zoey ever learn English? Find out on the next episode of "The Adventures of Butler Bob and Billy!"

**End of Episode 9**


	11. Episode 10

**AN:** Hey guys! Episode 10 is here! I'm currently taking summer school being an over achiever so I have a whole new schedule of business (busy-ness?) to look forward to! Yay! But I am still going to try (like I've been trying since I started writing this fanfic) to update faster! Yeah! Yeah…

-XXX-

(A man runs down the sidewalk with blue gloves on his hands. He j-walks across the street, steps on some grass that ought not to be stepped on, and trespasses on private property by cutting through the yard to get to another street where he j-walks again. He is being pursued by several other people. It is after neighborhood curfew.)

Running Man: (talking to himself) I'll never let them take this glove! It's mine! My favorite birthday present!

Bennie (Drocell): (shows up out of nowhere) I'll take that!

Running Man: Never! (runs away and out of sight but it is implied that he dropped his blue glove somewhere)

Bennie: My employer will not be happy about this…

(play opening theme then show Butler Bob and Billy shopping at an ice-top market)

Billy: I'm sorry we didn't have your present at your birthday party, Butler Bob! But since I didn't know what you wanted, I thought we could just shop for one here at Ice World Birthday Present Shopping Center!

Bob: That's all right, Billy! I'm glad you were thoughtful enough to suggest this.

Omnipotent Voice: It's the day after Butler Bob's birthday party and now he and Billy are shopping for the perfect present at Ice World Birthday Present Shopping Center! And while Butler Bob and Billy are shopping for a present together, Callie has struck out on her own to find one.

Callie (Lizzie): I need to find a good present for Butler Bob! I need to find something super, super, super cuuuuuuuute! Maybe I could get him a cute hat! Or a cute new pair of shoes! I'm sure they have lots of cute things here at Ice World Birthday Present Shopping Center!

Omnipotent Voice: And now back to Billy. He is discussing a product with one of the vendors at Ice World Birthday Present Shopping Center.

Billy: (to vendor) So this will really tell me how fast my heart is beating? And it's only $20?

Vendor: That's right!

Billy: I'll take it! (gives money)

Bob: It's nice to know that all the vendors here are completely honest about the quality and abilities of their products! Nobody sells phony merchandise at Ice World Birthday Present Shopping Center!

Deryl (Aberlein): (randomly appears) Why, if it isn't Billy McFriendship! I would recognize you anywhere! I was just walking around looking for some blue gloves! It's part of my job!

Billy: You're a great detective! Maybe we should look for the gloves together! That way we'll find them faster!

Deryl: That's a great idea, Billy! Let's discuss our shopping strategy at one of the many American restaurants located at Ice World Birthday present Shopping Center!

Billy: Okay!

Omnipotent Voice: The three go off to an American restaurant nearby and sit down to discuss their plans when they are joined by Mr. Definitely American who, because he is so American, is contributing to the economy by working for one of his nation's companies.

Mr. Definitely American: Hello. Welcome to Ice World Birthday Present Shopping Center's Generic American Restaurant Chain! What would you like to eat?

Billy: Do you think you could help us?

Mr. Definitely American: Of course, Billy! I would be delighted to help you and Mr. Deryl Detective find the blue gloves you're looking for that are part of his job somehow!

Billy: Thanks! Maybe the Clothing Mender knows where we can find them! I heard he set up his store here at Ice World Birthday Present Shopping Center!

Omnipotent Voice: Unfortunately, the Clothing Mender did not end up having his store set up at Ice World Birthday Present Shopping Center, but during their search, the group comes across a poster for an ice sculpting competition with a prize of special blue gloves for the victor. Billy decides to sign up for it.

Billy: I've decided to sign up for it!

Bob: But there's an age restriction, Billy. You have to be 18 or older to enter, and I don't know how to sculpt ice.

Deryl: It's alright. I'll enter alone. But would you do me the favor of cheering me on? Knowing there are people standing around watching as I do all the work really helps me do my best!

Bob: Of course we will, Detective! Good luck!

Narrator: Wait, wait, wait! He's not even going to _enter_ the competition? What the hell is the point of even keeping it in there if the main character is just going to be edited out!

4kids Director: Because here at 4kids, we believe in equality and we think Deryl should get his chance in the spotlight.

(long pause)

Narrator: (defeated tone) I… I give up. I don't understand you people… (leaves)

Omnipotent Voice: Deryl competes in the ice sculpting competition and does his best with Butler Bob and Billy doing their best to cheer him on from the sidelines. He sculpts a beautiful boat with two of every animal inside it that has absolutely no religious affiliation whatsoever. Especially not with the Jewish or Christian faith. Nope. It's just a plain old boat. And he wins!

Billy: Yay! Congratulations, Detective Deryl! You won the gloves!

Deryl: You know what' Billy, I think you should have them. You were so much help today that you deserve them.

Billy: (takes gloves) Wow! Thank you!

Narrator: (bursts back through the recording studio door) No! First of all, Ciel didn't do jack shit! He _stood there on the sidelines WATCHING! _And second of all, it was mentioned before that Aberlein needed those gloves for his job! So what, he's just going to let himself get fired because some kid watched him cut up some ice? Do you even _realize_ how many plot holes you've created?

4kids Director: Their names are Billy and Deryl.

Narrator: NO THEY ARE NOT!

Omnipotent Voice: Shouldn't you be leaving? We filed a restraining order on you like a week ago.

Narrator: I'll be damned if I leave and let you all slaughter innocent shows!

4kids Director: It's okay. I already called the police. Just pretend he isn't here.

Omnipotent Voice: After being given the blue gloves, Billy gives them to Butler Bob as a birthday present.

Bob: Thank you very much, Billy! It's just what I wanted. (hugs him in a completely benign way with absolutely no hint of sexual attraction)

Omnipotent Voice: It looks like everything turned out pretty well for Butler Bob and Billy and their adventure at Ice World Birthday Present Shopping Center. What adventures await these two next time? Will they be birthday related again? Probably! But you won't know for sure unless you tune into the next episode of The Adventures of Butler Bob and Billy!

(play ending song)

Omnipotent Voice: Oh yeah and Callie has those gloves that the running guy dropped earlier. You might want to remember that, it's kind of important.

**End of Episode 10**


	12. Episode 11

**AN:** Hey guys! It's been a while! This one is kind of short and I wrote it during my Trig class so sorry for any resulting failure. I kinda thought I would have more time over the summer to write fan fiction but that proved to be the opposite. And this year's gonna be big one so please keep being patient when it comes to updates. I still haven't taken the ACT and I have to take my SAT again (my math score was atrocious) and I have a lot of approaching college visits mostly in the months of September and October. I hate to say it but don't expect any updates any time soon. Also I took on more hours at work… Shoot me now. Orz And I just found out my school is blocking ! FML! I'll try my best so just bear with me. And now, on with the show!

-XXX-

**Episode 11**

Omnipotent Voice: Today is the birthday of our own Billy McFriendship! All of the servants are very excited to throw him just as good of a birthday party as he helped throw for Butler Bob.

Greg: This is so exciting! Billy's birthday is today! I wish we still had that magic birthday party camera but it's probably a good thing that we donated it to Goodwill instead. That way, less fortunate people will be able to use it for _their_ birthday parties!

Monica: I even cleaned the house in preparation!

(Change scenes, Billy and Bob are in the entryway. Enter Callie)

Callie: (running in) Billy! I have a birthday present for you! It's really really really really cuuuuuuute! Here! (Gives present)

Billy: (taking the present) Why thank you. Callie! I'm so glad you want to help me celebrate my birthday, which also happens to fall on October 31st, also known as Halloween!

Callie: Open it! Open it! It's sooooooo cuuuuute!

Billy: (opens present to reveal a tiny box, inside of which are several tickets to a haunted house) Wow! What a thoughtful gift to receive from a cousin with whom I am not romantically involved in any way! Thank you!

Callie: You're welcome! I'm so glad I got you something that is super cute and you don't already have! Bye now! (Runs out)

Bob: Would you like me to come with you to the haunted house? Just in case you get scared?

Billy: That would be greatly appreciated! Thanks, Butler Bob!

Omnipotent Voice: And so, later that night, Butler Bob and Billy go to the haunted house and have a great time with all their fr—

Narrator: (shouting over o=Omnipotent Voice) AND SO! WHIULE THAT'S HAPPENING! (Lowers voice) We're all just supposed to figure out all on our own that Lizzie's blue "gloves" from before ended up getting her kidnapped by Drocell!

Omnipotent Voice: No, she was hired of her own free will by the haunted house owners to come and work for them! Silly Narrator. Saying such crazy, vulgar things. Now kindly get out of this recording studio before I twist your eyes out of their sockets with a corkscrew.

Narrator: (muttering as he leaves) Corkscrew you…

Omnipotent Voice: And so, they have fun at the haunted house. The end.

4Kids Director: That was sort of short. Maybe we should add more. We have some more material we could use.

Omnipotent Voice: No need. Little kids can't tell the difference between five minutes and half an hour.

4kids Director: (ignoring Omnipotent Voice) Here's a new script for everyone. It's longer now.

(New scene begins with Billy and Butler Bob walking to haunted house)

Bob: Walking places is much better for the environment than taking cars. We should make an effort to walk wherever we can.

Billy: I agree! This is also great exercise! It's important to get at least 60 minutes of exercise a day!

Elle: Right you are, Billy!

(Billy and Bob turn in unison to see Elle standing behind them)

Elle: I'm allowed back on the show now that I've decided to stay a woman! And I would like to accompany you to the haunted house! So you should invite me long even though the last time we saw each other we were enemies.

Bob: Well forgiveness is important and I forgive you. I'm going to leave now for reasons that I am too mysterious to explain.

Omnipotent Voice: Though he will not admit it, Billy is actually a little bit sad that Bob will not be going with him to the haunted house but he makes the best of the situation.

(Several hours later)

Bob: (shows up) Hello, Billy! I came to save you from sadness! And I brought a present! It's a birthday song. But I will only sing it at the perfect moment.

Billy: Really? Wow! Thanks!

Omnipotent Voice: Will Butler Bob's birthday song make up for his absence at the beginning of Billy's haunted house experience? Will this script ever stop being about birthdays? Will it ever get any less sucky? Find out in the next episode!

4kids Director: …That still wasn't very long…

**End of Episode 11**


	13. Episode 12

**AN:** I am so sorry, you guys! I am so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry! I hate people who don't update for months and now I have become one of them! I swear to you though, I will always have a super legit reason why it's taking forever. Like, this time, I had to choose between writing the next chapter of this or missing the deadlines for scholarships and early action college applications. Understandably, I chose my education first. But now I'm done applying to college! And I've submitted six scholarship applications because I have no money lol. Also, I upped my work hours to 19 a week instead of 14. But anyway, I did it! I wrote the episode! So please read and review and continue to be extra patient with me because this school year is keeping me really busy. I love you all!

-XXX-

(Open scene on McFriendship mansion with the front porch lights on, show Callie and Billy inside)

Callie: Happy tenth birthday, Billy! This really is a fun party!

Billy: (looking at the ground) Yeah… Thanks for coming…

Callie: What's wrong?

Billy: It's just… Every year, you're the only one who ever comes to my party because everyone else is out trick-or-treating.

(Flashback ends and scene reestablishes at the haunted house where Butler Bob and Billy are. Callie is sitting in a chair in the last room of the haunted house to be entered by visitors.)

Callie: (in thoughts) I wanted this year to be better for Billy. I thought that if I gave him tickets to the haunted house I'm working at, he would be happy that his birthday is on Halloween.

(Scene change to Billy and Bob)

Bob: So, Billy, what do you say you, Elle, Zoey, and I explore this haunted house? With the four of us together it won't be so scary!

Billy: Okay!

Omnipotent Voice: Our four friends wander around for a while until they come across a room with some scary-looking dolls that have been edited out so as not to give you kids nightmares.

("London Bridge" tune starts playing)

Billy: Where is that music coming from? Butler Bob, I'm scared!

Bob: Don't worry, Billy! I will protect you in a completely innocent way that suggests absolutely no hint of my possible pedophilia. Just because I pick you up unnecessarily often and say very provocative things to you, doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to you.

Billy: It's certainly good to know I'm safe in your very… Capable hands.

(Bennie walks in singing "London Bridge." In English, of course.)

Elle: Are you an employee here?

Bennie (Drocell): Yes… I am employed here… By the owner of this… Establishment… Be prepared to be scared… Out of your minds… For in this house… You will know… True terror…

Elle: Oh boy! This sounds like fun!

Omnipotent Voice: The haunted house may sound like a lot of fun to Elle, but what she doesn't know is that Bennie is not actually an employee at the haunted house at all! In fact, he's a henchman to the main antagonist of this series!

Billy: What! You mean we're in actual danger right now!

Omnipotent Voice: Don't worry. 4kids will censor the violence out before you can get hurt, Billy.

Bennie: You'll never… Escape this place… Alive…

(An army of black rectangles appears in all of the doorways of the room while "London Bridge" continues to play.)

Bennie: This is… My employer's collection… Of really creepy dolls… They're indestructible…

Bob: I think it's about time I sing that birthday song, Billy! For some reason, that will win us this battle!

Billy: Alright! I believe in you!

Bob: (singing) Team up! Team up! Are you up for it? We can save the day if we collaborate!

Bennie: No! Such heavily censored songs… My employer's doll collection… Can't handle that…

Bob: (still singing) 'Cause it's hard to save the world when you're falling in love!

(All of the black rectangles disappear)

Bennie: This is not the last… You've heard of me… My employer… Will have his way… (Leaves)

Elle: Well it looks like we're safe now!

Omnipotent Voice: Or so it would appear. As the foursome leaves the haunted house, they can only wonder what terrifying events still await them.

Billy: I wonder what terrifying events still await us.

Bob: (staring at a note nailed to a tree just outside the haunted house exit) I don't think we'll have to wait. That note looks like it's for us.

Billy: (walks over to the tree and retrieves it then begins reading aloud) "_No matter what you try and do, vulgarity will soon ensue. In order to stop my evil deed, One Hell of a Butler is what you'll need."_

Omnipotent Voice: What on Earth could this note mean? Who sent it? Will Callie be sad that Billy never made it to the end f the haunted house? Will she think he is a coward? Is this show actually developing a plot? I don't know. But I'm sure as heck going to stick around for the next episode in hopes of finding out.

**End of Episode 12**


	14. Episode 13

**AN:** I… I can't even begin to describe how sorry I am, you guys. Like, I wanna post 10 chapters to make up for this insane wait. But then it would have made the wait even longer T^T. I had no idea going into this year that I would actually have stuff to do. I was all like, "Oh, whatever. Senior year. I get to just sit back and relax. Once I'm done applying to colleges, I don't have to give a crap anymore." But I can't not give a crap, so I have been working on an unholy amount of projects, papers, and competitions. On the super duper bright side, though, all that extra studying paid off! I entered a Japanese competition and out of the 26 teams my partner and I competed against, WE GOT FIRST PLACE! And my group was the only one out of the 8 from my school that even placed. So yeah. I had to spend a lot of time memorizing approx 500-600 kanji, 30 or so grammatical structures, a few dozen vocab words, every freaking detail of the Meiji period of Japan, some Japanese sayings, and keep all that in my brain under crazy pressure since everyone was sort of just slacking because they knew I would be the most committed to the competition. Except my partner. I love her, she's my bestie! Anyway, a few comments that are actually relevant to the story: I had to give up French this year so I could take Japanese. As a result, I am a year out of practice and thus incapable of being sure whether or not my sentences are completely coherent. Please ignore the fact that it fails when you see it. Oh and I cannot for the life of me remember how to put accents over letters so my French will fail even more because of that. I apologize. Also, if you get the Hetalia reference and the less subtle South Park reference in the new character names then I love you forever. And like always, I would like to remind everyone that even if it takes me another 4 months to update, I WILL update. I refuse to quit on this story after making it past the half way mark. So, sorry for the long wait and the long author's note and thank you so so so so much to all of you who are still with me. Please enjoy episode 13!

-XXX-

(A purple-haired boy is standing outside an American airport and picks some snow up off the ground.)

Matthew (Soma): Wow, Ike! We have a lot of this back home in Canada too, eh. I think I've already found something I like aboot this place, eh!

Ike (Agni): Yeah. Eh.

(play opening theme then re-open scene on the school courtyard. There are police officers surrounding three children who have been hung by their underwear from a flag pole)

Daryl: Those kids from that school in Indiana sure are sore about losing to Billy McFriendship and the rest of Gudeetushu Elementary School's team at that spelling bee last week. Looks like they sent their baddest bullies over here to get revenge. They even left a note that says, "This is what you get, you big maenie butt-haeds!" No wonder they lost the spelling bee if they can't even spell "meanie butt-heads" right…

Billy: (walks up behind Daryl) Excuse me, but the principal me to take care of this one, Mr. Detective. You guys can just leave it to me! I'll give those bullies a god talking-to, just you wait and see!

Daryl: Alright, then. Good luck, Billy! (Goes about business that is actually relevant to a police officer/detective)

Omnipotent Voice: Billy and his faithful friend, Butler Bob, make their way to the nearest secluded ally, where bullies are known to hang out. Right away, Billy can tell something's up.

Billy: I can tell something's up, Butler Bob. We should be extra careful in case we run into some bullies.

Bob: Don't worry, Billy. I'm trained in the art of strong, convincing words. That's how I manage to convince you every night that it's perfectly normal to have an older man, who is not a member of your family, who, in fact, was hired only two years ago without a background check and exhibits many characteristics commonly seen in pedophiles, give you a bath. And undress you. And stay in your room all night while you're sleeping and defenseless. I don't think we'll have any problems with those Indian kids.

Billy: Hoosier. People from Indiana are called Hoosiers, not Indians. Otherwise, they would get mixed up with the people from the country, India.

Narrator: Really? _Really?_ We're_ really_ going to do this? We're seriously changing India to _Indiana!_ Why do I even read this damn script! I never walk away _not_ pissed off. Whatever. You guys just go ahead and keep crapping all over a good show.

Bob: There's a country called India?

Narrator: … Okay, no. This is just…no.

Billy: Yeah. It's in Asia.

Bob: What's "Asia?"

Narrator: Fuck this. I'm out.

Billy: You know… That continent attached to Europe.

Bob: (blank stare) Europe…

Billy: Yeah. Up North of America.

Bob: Oh! You mean America #2?

Billy: No, not Canada! That place across the ocean where France and England and Germany are! Asia is East of that and India is in Asia.

Bob: There are other countries besides America, America #2 and Taco America past the ocean? I thought there was just America…

Billy: (sighs heavily, giving up) Nevermind. The point is, people from Indiana are called Hoosiers. Not Indians.

Bully #1: That's right! (appears out of nowhere with a huge group of bullies) We're Hoosiers! And y'all are gonna be sorry you messed with Hickory Elementary School's spelling bee team! You're the team captain, aren't you? We got somethin' real special planned for you! (advances on Billy)

Bob: I'm afraid that doesn't seem like a terribly good idea. It might benefit you to take a moment to consider the consequences of your actions.

Matthew: Hold it just a second, eh! (walks into the ally with a piece of paper crumpled in his hand) What's all this commotion aboot, eh? Are you guys fighting, eh?

Bully #2: These two're big meanie butt-heads! We need to teach them not to be such big meanie butt-heads!

Matthew: I see. In that case… (turns to Ike) Ike, teach these meanie butt-heads a lesson, eh!

Ike: Yeah! Eh! (begins speaking French) Je pense que vous ferez bond d'arreter vous-memes. Ces gens gentils ne faisaient rien de mal. Laissaiz-les, si vous plait! (Translation: I think you will do well to stop yourselves. These kind people have done nothing wrong. Please, let them be!)

Bob: Oh no! Billy! This alien guy is also trained in the art of strong, persuasive words! He's making me feel guilty even though I have nothing to feel guilty about!

Matthew: What? Is that true, eh? In that case… Ike! Redirect your scoldings to the others, eh!

Ike: Yeah. Eh. (Turns to bullies instead) Vous etes un peu mechants n'est pas? Si vous plait, arretez-vous d'etre mechants. Ce n'est pas un bon ide de faire des choses mals. (Translation: You are being a little mean, don't you think? Please, stop being mean. It is not a good idea to do bad things.)

Bully #3: I feel really guilty, guys. Let's go back home and improve our spelling instead of blaming other schools for our lack of commitment to the competition,.

Omnipotent Voice: With the bully problem solved, Butler Bob and Billy return home where all of the servants are waiting for them, along with Mr. Definitely American, who was invited over to the mansion in advance and was in no way imposing on Billy's privacy.

Monica: Welcome back! Great job dealing with the bullies!

Bob: Actually, we did nothing. The bullies were defeated by these two Canadian exchange students, Matthew and Ike. It turns out Ike is very skilled in the art of strong, persuasive words. Even though they're in some crazy alien language, I still feel the immense, guilt-inducing power of them! (Introduces te two Canadians) We've invited them to stay here at the mansion for a short time. (Turns to face Ike and Matthew) Thank you so much for your help.

Ike: De rien. (Translation: It was nothing.)

Billy: Well, it's already getting dark. I should get to bed. Monica will show you to your rooms. Thank you again, and please, make yourselves at home.

Matthew: Thanks a lot, eh.

Omnipotet Voice: Wow. Things certainly are getting interesting now. Anyway, The Canadians stay with Billy for a day or so and Matthew and Ike are very polite and unobtrusive, just like all the other Canadians out there. Ike offers to help with the chores, but is politely rejected by the servants, as they feel that since they are being paid for their tasks, they should complete them themselves. Matthew and Billy soon become the best of friends, as do Butler Bob and Ike. On the second day at the manor, Matthew asks Billy for help with a rather serious problem.

Matthew: Billy, I need your help with a rather serious problem, eh. You see, when Ike and I arrived at the airport yesterday, there was supposed to be a host family there to meet us, eh. We waited at the airport for hours but nobody ever came, eh. We even held up a sign with the family's last name on it, eh. (Matthew shows Billy the piece of paper he was holding earlier in the ally. It says, "Baker, eh")

Billy: Don't worry, Matthew! As your best friend, I will definitely help you find your host family. I'm sure there's a good reason for why they never met you at the airport. After all, it's completely normal to want to find something or someone you've lost and not weak at all. E can start looking tomorrow. In the mean time, let's play Go Fish!

Matthew: Okay!

Omnipotent Voice: The two friends play cards all the way up until bed time. But that night, Ike mysteriously sneaks out of the house. Butler Bob happens to witness this strange occurance but decides to wait until the next episode to tell Billy about it. What could Ike be doing? What is the strange, alien language he speaks and why do its words contain so much power? I guess you'll just have to watch the next episode. See, that's how we get you. Cliffhangers.

Narrator: Asshole.

**End of Episode 13**


	15. Episode 14

**AN:** So… It's been 7 months. That happened. I swear there will never be a wait this long EVER again. I will finish this frickin' fan fiction, you guys. For serious. The end of my senior year was crazy, then over the summer I had to work two jobs so that I would have a chance at paying my tuition bills, and in addition to that, I was doing various online money-making things to put a few extra bucks in my pocket. My total from my online endeavors was, like, over $100 by the end of the summer and I barely had to do any work! :D But anyway, after summer was over, I started college and that was a pretty big transition, but I'm in my 4th week of classes now, and I think I have everything figured out well enough to take a break from schoolwork and focus on continuing my writing! THANK YOU SO MUCH! To those of you who didn't give up on me! I'm seriously really sorry I was gone for so long. I do still have a lot on my plate, namely classes, having a social life, knitting club (yes I'm in a knitting club it's lame but shut up), random mandatory meetings, and an e-book I'm writing with a friend of mine. But eventually I will always make time to update this. I'm still gon' be here, you guys. Until the end. …of the series.

-XXX-

Omnipotent Voice: Now that it's the next episode, Butler Bob can finally tell Billy that he saw Ike sneaking out of the house mysteriously. He knocks on Billy's bedroom door and immediately informs him of the events that have just transpired.

Billy: (upon hearing Butler Bob's story) Gee willikers! That's awful strange! I suppose we should wait for Ike to return and ask him what he was doing! That would be the polite thing to do, after all.

Matthew: Yes, I agree with my best friend, Billy, eh. It is rude to meddle in something that does not concern you, eh. And as a Canadian, I much prefer the polite course of action, eh.

Bob: Then it's decided! We shall wait for Ike's return!

Omnipotent Voice: Meanwhile, in a really big house somewhere in Billy's Neighborhood, Ike is meeting with a very peculiar man who also happens to be applying for the job of Kitchen Manager in Billy's school cafeteria.

Jarold East (Harold West): It's good to see you, Ike. I'm glad you got my phone call regarding the whereabouts of your and Mathew's host family. I know why they weren't at the airport to pick you up, but I won't tell you unless you can properly convince me that I should.

Ike: Ce n'est pas juste! Je voudrais savoir ou ils ses trouvent maintennant! Dit moi! (That's not fair! I would like to know where they are now! Tell me!)

Jarold East: Your amazing ability to make people feel guilty by shouting gibberish at them isn't going to work on me! I'm a sociopath, so I can't feel guilt! But I'll make a deal with you. If you enter the school baking competition under my name and win, I will tell you where your host family is. Do we have a deal?

Ike: Yeah. Eh. (Ike is so emotionally conflicted by his decision to enter a competition since he is Canadian and doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by winning, that he begins crying normal tears that are composed primarily of saline and not iron)

Omnipotent Voice: Poor Ike. Looks like he's in a real pickle with this. Although he should know that it's never a good idea to indulge a sociopath's whims. Meanwhile, in Billy McFriendship's house, the gang is discussing how to best confront Ike about the situation without seeming like they are attacking his character.

Billy: Just say you're worried about him. That's all you need to say. We all know he's a good person and would never do anything as bad as sneaking out in the middle of the without a good reason!

Bob: Indeed. He'd have to be stupid as shit to do something like that without a reason.

Billy: (eyes widen in surprise) WHAT!? Butler Bob! Did you just say what I think you just said!?

Bob: (covering his mouth) I- I don't know what happened! It's as if some kind of censor was lifted from my speech momentarily!

Omnipotent Voice: Well this certainly is quite the predicament! Why was Butler Bob cursing? Will Ike go through with the competition? Will Matthew ever find his host family? Well, let's continue the episode and see if any of those questions happen to get answered.

Matthew: (suddenly jumps up from his chair) Butler Bob! Billy! Ike is in trouble, eh! We're such good friends and we make such a good team, that we can tell when the other is upset even from far away, eh! That's the true power of friendship, eh! Let's go find him and figure oot what this is all aboot, eh!

Omnipotent Voice: And so, they all go to find Ike, who informs them all that he is entering a competition.

Matthew: Don't be crazy, eh! You're Canadian, eh! You could never win, eh! There's too much of a chance you'll offend someone, eh! The only time it's okay to hurt others is during hockey, eh!

Bob: I can fix this. I will enter the competition as well, to lighten the mood! If I win, then Ike won't have to be sad about offending anyone and if Ike wins, then he doesn't have to feel bad about upsetting the competition because he'll know I'm not upset and he and I are really the only two people who stand a chance in this competition anyway.

Matthew: That's a great idea, eh!

Omnipotent Voice: Looks like that problem has been solved! But meanwhile, near the school kitchen, a random competitor is meeting up with a mysterious stranger. This mysterious stranger gives the random competitor a "special ingredient" to use in the competition.

Random Competitor: Thanks for this "special ingredient"!

Omnipotent Voice: Who could this mysterious person be? What does the "special ingredient" do? Also, what are the answers to all the questions I already asked? Why do I even keep asking questions like this? Seriously. I should just let you guys watch the show instead of interrupting with my inquiries every three seconds. Will I ever stop asking these questions? Find out next time! Maybe!

**End of Episode 14**

PS: Sorry it's kinda short… I know it was a long wait, but there was literally NOTHING going on in this episode, so I did my best with what I had. Also, it may take a bit before I get back into the swing of things. I'm not used to writing this way anymore. :( Please bear with me and I hope I can make the next one a lot funnier.


End file.
